I See You Driving 'round Town

I don't know what to say.

But I need to write.

I'm dying.

A horrible death, from the inside out...

There's so much, so much, so much, so much.

I can't keep it forever, but someday someone will take it so it won't matter then.

That'd be nice.

That'd be nice.

My thoughts are hard to get going, they keep trying to put a halt on themselves
so I can go back to older thoughts.

Not old. Just not new. I'm tired of them. They hurt. I cried. I cry. Crying. Falling. Fallen.

Though there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best.

There aren't many words for this kind of pain. Atleast, I don't know them.

A slap in the face. That's what it was. It still stings. Stings more than any real slap I've ever had.

Trust me, I've had a lot. I'm breaking.

That's okay though, I always have been. I figure, someday, I'll meet someone who will help me out. Atleast, if they break me, they'll care to put me back together.

I'm dying.

A horrible death, from the inside out...

At Night

When we close our eyes at night is when we really let our thoughts wonder, I think. Even during the day I find myself holding back, protecting my thoughts. Afraid that a passerby will accidentally slip into them and judge me based on them. That's why I can't think until night. Where no one else is around to hear me or my thoughts. But even then, I'm never really alone. Always someone is near me, in the same room or the other. Close.

Hide under the covers, no one can penetrate the shield they provide. Bring yourself to say the things you'd never say otherwise. Tell yourself, "This world, really isn't alright".

Think the thoughts you would think, and let yourself think them freely.

~*~

I can't figure it out, why do I always let my heart do this? Oh, but he's so amazing. So nice. So kind. But I wonder if I don't do it because of some masochistic tendencies.

His smile makes this burst of warmth spread through my chest. I wish it didn't.

Essentially

All I can figure, is that:

once I love, it is forever.

My Eyesight is Worsening

Woo....

And I scream to the mountains, and cry in the river. I can't think of any other way to say it.

My heart is a pile of ashes that I've sprinkled too much for others and now I've left myself with nothing.

I wish it was easier, easier than this at least. If I don't make sense then it's probably for the better, because my heart is cold in my hands.

The hard thing about lying is when you can only lie to yourself convincingly.

There are dark stains on this soul of mine that I don't care much for.

Can we trade? No? Too bad, I was going to throw in a pretty bonus with that.

Wouldn't it be nice if I only knew one melody? Then I promise it'd be the only one I sing.

I'd sing it loud for everyone, but I guess you still wouldn't hear me. I'm not sure you ever do.

My father once told me "You're beautiful". I smiled for one and cried for the other.

Amazing, how simple words mean something completely different from different people.

Amazing, how cold I feel when your arms aren't around me.

Analyzing yourself is easier with it on the outside. For me. Possibly for extroverts in general.

I like introverts.

Will I get to hold mine again? I'm waiting for him, but I don't know how long he wants me to... I feel like it's been forever but it probably hasn't. That's what the clock on the wall says, sometimes...

Sometimes I can't see. Sometimes I can't breathe. Physically and metaphysically. Really.

Erin's good to talk to when you need to come back down to earth, or maybe leave it.

Ethan's good to talk to about the things no one else cares about or even thinks about.

Anton's good to talk to if you're contemplating life on a sideways plane and tipsy train.

Chet's good to talk to if you want someone to tell you the truth and fight you back when you need it.

I'm Totally Zen

College. Time of self-growth and learning yourself. Right? I hope so, otherwise I don't know what to do with this new outlook on life. Well, I wouldn't call it new so much as a revelation. I'm more confident that I'll do well in college. :)

However, my beliefs are the same. Perhaps, polished? Yeah. I've had time to really define things that I believe in. While there are things I think sometimes I'll probably always just call myself a Christian. Perhaps evangelical christian, it's true. No one has ever swayed me from believing in the Bible 100% and I don't think they ever will.

So, I sit here thinking. Why is everything changing so drastically? Friendships and circumstances. All being swept up in some kind of tornado of change.

I wish I could take a peek into the future. See where I'll be, know how things are going. That way it wouldn't be such a stressful experience trying to figure out what's going to happen.

Andy confuses me.

Words From The Tea Obsessed

Yes. I know. I'm sorry.

My chin hurts. Why am I so accident prone? Someone once told me that it's all psychological. That if I believe that I am then I will be. Well, I thought "Oh, I'm getting better at this. I'm probably not going to fall anymore, I'm so awesome.", and I tried to believe it too, but you know what keeps happening? Pain. I keep falling down, hitting the ground, and getting cut up or otherwise injured. I hate my scooter right now, it's too finicky, the slightest bump makes it totally swerve out of control. I wish I hadn't been hit by that freaking car. My bike was so much safer, and faster, and better....

Andy's weird. Enough said. xD

I'm allowed to do that sometimes right? But I'm not. I've got to keep my mouth shut. Because no one cares, and no one really wants to know. Why would they? Because this or that and these or those.

Green

Green

Green

Green

Green

Green

Dancing To A Happier Place

Yeah, that sounds nice. Let's take that train and watched the scenery fly by. I'm tired of the difficulty without even knowing if it's going to be worth it. I'm tired of it, really. But the thought makes me sad. Why can't it be as easy as dancing?

I take what I see and hear from my surroundings. Shaping them, translating them, making them make sense to me. Who knows what anyone else thinks.

Who knows what I think. I wish I did. My thoughts are jumbled and my ideas are scrambled. Tomorrow might be better.

Chrysanthemum would be better.

But I suppose I'll settle for dandelions for now.

Happy Birthday To Me............

It's been my birthday for an hour now. It probably sounds a little whiney, and you're probably like "But Destiny, there's an entire day ahead!", but nobody's said Happy Birthday to me yet. I've not only been talking to Ethan and Chet, even my boyfriend didn't say it....

In fact, he didn't even tell me good night. He just told me he was going to sleep and signed off. He usually tells me goodnight, and I'm a little upset that he won't tell me what's going on or atleast admit that there's something wrong in general even if I can't know what...

I'm a little sad.

---- 4:45 pm: Ethan remembered. Erin remembered after I told her. xD

Something Odd

I was struck with a mental image today:

The fountain of youth, flowing with blood.

Some meaning is hidden there, some message from my subconscious, it must be.

Perhaps my perception of the world is getting smaller, it's because I can't see the stars in Norman.

But I missed Norman while I was away, despite its lack of sparkling companions, and I think I was the only one. I'd much rather gather the people I care about and bring them with me than go back to Sand Springs.

All my friends are rooted people, stuck where they came from. I'm like a tumble-weed, I just sort of go where the wind takes me and exist at the time in that place. It's not hard for me to leave everything behind, to move on and become something different. I've been ready for the freedom of college for years now and it's great to finally have it.

Then people look at me and think I don't value that sense of family. I do, I just don't know it. I've never felt it, not really. I care deeply about individuals in my life but I don't feel any iron connection to them. It's sad. I want to, but I don't. I was more than ready to leave my family behind in Sand Springs and begin pursuing my life. Ready to wave goodbye to my mom and sister and say "Good luck." as I run towards my own direction, and then I look over and my friends reluctantly, slowly, let go of the embrace they have their family's in. Still they hold on by their fingertips, grasping at them, never wanting to truly let go. I wonder, what am I missing in me that I don't want to hold on?

I'm in a frazzled, frustrated, and confused state right now. I blame Andy.

So I'll Say

Something inspirational while all the while leaving you with a twang of sadness.

Taste the colors and feel the mood on your fingertips.

And a special note:

I'm reaching out and hoping, hoping, I can show you my smile through words.

Give you a hug with my whispers.

Tell you all of this without forgetting to put some meaning in it.

Do you know what my heart looks like?

For as long as you're the one looking at it,

it'll be a mirror.

To my friends:

Here we go.

Don't look back,

there's not enough time.

Just look forward and remember what you've passed.

If you take the time to stay in the past,

you'll miss the future.

So here we go,

not knowing how this story will end,

but knowing how it's begun.

Knowing what's happening,

wondering if I can stop it and help it,

wondering if I'm meant to be there for all of it.

Knowing,

knowing,

that things will always change.

Hoping,

hoping,

that they will stay the same.

I'm Feeling Like a Tea Kettle

My whistle's blowing and I'm ready to explode.

College is stressful and I haven't even gone to class yet, great.

I miss Andy. Out of all the things I left behind in Sand Springs I don't miss much because I know it'll be there when I get back. But at the same time, I don't want to feel that way because I don't want to take those things or people for granted....

Hope the next week goes well, I'm sure it will.